Like A Drum. . .

There is an aching in my belly and a stirring in my soul to write of the wonderful chaos that seems to be swirling inside of me, yet I can find no words. They seem to have been all but used up by the poets and writers who've come before me and who've put what I am feeling into words more beautifully scripted than I could ever dare compose. Yet I need to express it, somehow, someway, in some exquisite form or another, so as to convey to the small world around me the joys and fears that build with each passing day.
I am discovering what makes me come alive and that I am loved and lovely just as I am and have to change for no one. I am capable of much and yet still in need of much grace and wisdom as I travel along in life with the people who are here to travel with me. My dreams and desires are so much bigger than I can even handle on some days, I often think that they are tremendously silly and impossible, questioning if they will be fulfilled or if I will have someone beside me to fulfill them with. This journey is never certain, the people you travel with are never guaranteed to stick around the entire length of the trek, but you travel and press on just the same. You meet new strangers who soon become friends, and maybe something more, you invest your time, risk being vulnerable, and challenge yourself and them to dream bigger and live to a higher standard and calling with beautiful expectations and hopes on the horizon because to hell with it if we're not. There are always new books to read, places to see, people to meet and learn to love, oceans to swim, and dreams to be chased - - the journey doesn't ever end until we're dead. So I am trying to make the most of it, trying not to miss out on the beauty and the mystery of life, yet all the while being extremely terrified and nervous of the next bend in the road. How will it make my heart beat? Will I be able to handle the fierce drumming of stumbling upon something or someone lovely? or even the plummeting sensation of discovering something beautifully painful or terrifyingly risky? I still don't know and may never know. But I have to travel, I have to explore, I must take risks, be daring and bold, courageous and free, otherwise I will suffocate in my need to see and experience all the beauty there is to behold. . . in love.

His Nearness Is Our Good

Have you ever taken a sip of your drink thinking it was perhaps sweet tea only to find out upon that first swig that you had actually poured yourself sprite instead? Startling isn't it? There is nothing more surprising than expecting one thing and instead getting something completely different, whether that be in drink beverage or in life. Most people don't like surprises, it makes them uncomfortable and nervous usually because they didn't have a part in the planning or orchestrating of it, therefore they obviously don't know what's coming. Rough, I know.

I have been surprised over and over again as of late by not only myself, but also others and most of all by God. There seems to be this lesson that I am in need of learning which is to expect God and Him alone. Not to expect my plans or my co-laborers plans or my teams plans or the pastors plans or the groups plans, but to expect Jesus. Just Jesus, in every circumstance.

Expecting the King means laying down our will, our way, and our rights in order that He be properly exalted and enthroned in our hearts and in our lives. The thing about that is that it's not easy, but that is another good aspect about the Father; He hasn't called us to walk an easy road but just to follow Him. He doesn't burden us but does offer to carry the burdens we and others have put upon our own backs. He doesn't call us to fish for men and speak the truth in love because that's simple and easy, but He calls to do that because He first loved us, He first gave all He had to us.

There is something tender and humbling when we reach the point where we realize He is worth more than our current dismal and trying circumstances. He is a better sight than wherever we may have chosen to set our gaze that isn't Him. He is worthy of being expected in the mundane as well as in the extraordinary events of our life, whether we feel it or not. Because regardless of how we feel He is still and always will be worthy of our praise and adoration.

I do not write this because I have it figured out or have mastered the art of honoring Him with every breath I take, but because I see His strength in my weakness and know that I need Him ever more. His nearness is our good. Expect Him and never be dismayed or disappointed for He is King of kings and LORD of lords, there in none like Him.

~Josie

Submission. It's Good.

The longer I travel on this journey that God has me taking, the more I discover that HE is bigger than my thoughts and grander than my dreams. There are lots of times when i think that my ideas are perfect and correct, but that generally doesn't last too long. More and more as i walk with HIM i find that HE truly does know best and that HE really does love me and have my best at heart. I am here to glorify HIM, whether that means going or staying, speaking or being quiet.

Lately I've been running into unexpected walls because I keep diverting from the road HE has put me on. I begin to think that i can be useful over there or share a word to that person, but in the end I have come to realize that if my intentions are not to glorify God then they are wrong. Trying to do things out of my own strength or will only leads to frustration and disappointment. . . so can someone explain to me why I cannot get that to stick? I think if you were to whack me with a brick everyday repeating that fact constantly I still may not get it. Surely stubbornness doesn't root itself that deeply. . .

It's nice to know and observe, however, that there are others with similar stories from their travels and truths about who God is and has shown Himself to be. We don't walk this road alone, and as cliche as that may sound it is true. HE doesn't plot out our course, however lovely and desirable that may sound, but calls us to seek HIM out. A great part of the journey is the discovery. I mean, can you imagine how boring it would be if we knew what was around each curve and where HE was taking us next? I love the mysterious nature of God. . .it makes life exciting. HE has showed me, though, that the first step, literally, to walking with HIM along this exciting adventure is submitting to HIM. Nothing else matters until that first step is taken.

True that.

~me

Note To Self

Walking should not be this complicated. And it's not, i think i just make it complicated. HE says do this, go here, say that, and all we are called to do is say "yes" and then walk. But like i said, walking is hard. I get tired of walking and tired of never seeing fruit, tired of never seeing the point. HE called me to something, but i don't get why or what for. Was i supposed to do something else, nothing at all...did i miss a detail in there somewhere?

This blog probably sounds either 1) really whiny, 2) really depressing or 3)dumb. I don't care at the moment. Judge me all you want. Do it. It won't get you far, i promise. Maybe it's the season i'm in, maybe it's my self absorbed attitude. most likely.

God doesn't call us to be happy, he calls us to be joyful. There is a difference. God also calls us to be obedient not guilt-tripped or ignorant. Shy is not a personality trait, it's an excuse. Get over it. Affirmation doesn't come from a nod, smile, joke or acknowledgement from someone else. It comes from God. Being invisible isn't a nice feeling. Neither is being ignored or ignoring others. Full circle. That just happened.
Where have you planted your feet? Are you walking in circles or straight ahead? Look UP...not in a mirror.

I Wonder If There Is Gravity In Heaven. . . .

I tend to walk into walls a lot. It's true. Laugh at me if you will, but i do. If you haven't noticed this it is probably due to the fact that i've learned to play it off or i simply, and literally, role off the wall. The reason for this is i tend to not always look where i'm going. No, not the whole stare at the ground deal, but more like a stare at something to my left or talk to someone on my right while walking. Has this lesson been learned? Sadly it has not. I continue to "flounce" around and bounce off of walls, doorways and cabinets left and right. I have mad skills....or do i? I wonder, is it because i am possibly ADD and so get bored with my direct line of vision or do i just have REALLY bad balance?

Maybe both. I'm leaning more towards bad balance though.

So, puzzle me this...why do we perpetually "flounce" about on this narrow road that we are trying to stay on? Do we see something shiny and lose our focus or trip over our own feet because we weren't paying attention to the road HE's laid in front of us? It is fascinating that our slight shift in focus can make us turn completely away from our original path that we had set out on. What have we seen that we think is better? Whom have we listened to that has competed with HIS whispers? As of yet i haven't found anyone, anything or any place that can compare to HIM and HIS peaceful presence, but my eyes still wander. Not literally, that would be creepy. What does it take for us to realize that HE satisfies and HE completes us? Maybe we will get it if we listen close to those whispers and try to read HIS lips....which suggests we are gazing UP!