Like A Drum. . .

There is an aching in my belly and a stirring in my soul to write of the wonderful chaos that seems to be swirling inside of me, yet I can find no words. They seem to have been all but used up by the poets and writers who've come before me and who've put what I am feeling into words more beautifully scripted than I could ever dare compose. Yet I need to express it, somehow, someway, in some exquisite form or another, so as to convey to the small world around me the joys and fears that build with each passing day.
I am discovering what makes me come alive and that I am loved and lovely just as I am and have to change for no one. I am capable of much and yet still in need of much grace and wisdom as I travel along in life with the people who are here to travel with me. My dreams and desires are so much bigger than I can even handle on some days, I often think that they are tremendously silly and impossible, questioning if they will be fulfilled or if I will have someone beside me to fulfill them with. This journey is never certain, the people you travel with are never guaranteed to stick around the entire length of the trek, but you travel and press on just the same. You meet new strangers who soon become friends, and maybe something more, you invest your time, risk being vulnerable, and challenge yourself and them to dream bigger and live to a higher standard and calling with beautiful expectations and hopes on the horizon because to hell with it if we're not. There are always new books to read, places to see, people to meet and learn to love, oceans to swim, and dreams to be chased - - the journey doesn't ever end until we're dead. So I am trying to make the most of it, trying not to miss out on the beauty and the mystery of life, yet all the while being extremely terrified and nervous of the next bend in the road. How will it make my heart beat? Will I be able to handle the fierce drumming of stumbling upon something or someone lovely? or even the plummeting sensation of discovering something beautifully painful or terrifyingly risky? I still don't know and may never know. But I have to travel, I have to explore, I must take risks, be daring and bold, courageous and free, otherwise I will suffocate in my need to see and experience all the beauty there is to behold. . . in love.

Gloria a Dios!

It would be nice if I even knew where to start with updating you all on the past 2+ months of my life, it's just hard to wrap life experiences and crazy God moments into a set of paragraphs. I'll give it my best though...

I finally arrived back home this past Sunday after 5 long and wonderful months of being away in CO with Youth with a mission. It has been strange and good being home, adjusting to "normal" life has its highs and lows but God has continued to show Himself faithful and constant amidst it all. Life as I once knew it has forever changed and there is no going back.

Outreach with my team to the Dominican Republic and Haiti was more amazing, eye-opening, and heart-breaking than I could have ever anticipated or imagined. I was asking God before we left for outreach what He wanted me to learn/get out of this outreach and He said "to be more willing." So, as one can imagine, God challenged me and I learned what it looked like to be willing to pick up kids until my back ached; willing to declare to a crowd the things God has done in my life; willing to hike the mountain of death; willing to love when it was hardest; willing to allow God to speak through me; willing to allow God to change me; willing to listen to the rhythm of His heartbeat; willing to bring Kingdom to earth no matter how I was feeling that day. There were quite a few days when I just didn't want to do a thing or open my mouth to share, but God never refused to meet us where we were or show us love in our frail and broken state so I had to daily make a conscious effort to strive to love and serve more. God was faithful to fulfill His promises and show Himself strong even in my weakest states.

On New Years day in the DR our team attended a local church that the DR YWAM base leader, Mitch, regularly attended. This was our second time visiting, the first time I had such a blast...the Dominicans really know how to keep a beat and go wild with it in worship! As we all settled into our seats and started worship one of my outreach leaders tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I wanted to give my testimony because they were giving us a slot that night to do so. I said sure and then started freaking out. I had something prepared but it's still nerve-racking, if not slightly intimidating. I eventually got up on the stage and began to speak in front of 200+ people and had such an overwhelming peace come over me. I was able to share with the people there about how I was once rooted in the lies that the world and the enemy had spoken over me, which lead to rotten thoughts and attitudes. Then I was able to tell them how God's truth, when you read it, listen to it, and accept it, will give you a solid and immovable foundation that gives you freedom and life. I always used to claim that my testimony, because I never got into any real trouble, had no power and would never be good enough for God too use. However, I soon realized that when I'm willing to say "yes" to God and allow Him to do what He wants through my life that anything is possible. God will use every area of your submitted life to bring Him glory, which is a humbling honor. The Spirit was heavy in that church that night and I know God was moving in people's hearts, you could feel it in the air, it was incredible.

After three weeks in the DR we traveled by bus to Haiti. The bus ride was supposed to be 8 hours, it turned into a 24 hour bus ride, but that's another story entirely. Our second week in Jacmel, Haiti we separated into small groups and just walked around the local communities to get to know the people and just be His hands and feet by simply going to communities and to houses asking if we could help them with anything. A lot of the time we would get denied because the people of Haiti don't accept much if any help from others. The first day we were able to help out a few homes, we swept, mopped and did some dishes. They were really blessed by us coming and working like we did, which led them to ask questions as to why, giving us an opportunity to tell them that we were here just to love them and serve them. It was such a encouraging time. The next day we went to another home in the same area, the lady we met at first was quite insistent that she didn't need any help. She was holding her little baby and all the while continuing to say no with a huge smile and a laugh, she was the shyest and cutest person we'd ever met.

We eventually convinced her to allow us to help her out after much pleading and laughter. Her and her husband had just had a baby 29 days before, so us coming to help turned out to be more of a blessing than we initially realized. This small family lived among 3 other families that we later learned were all related to one another. We were able to do more dishes, more than I've ever seen before, sweep their yards, mop the houses, and just sit and listen to their stories. I've never seen a family with such joy and love, they literally couldn't stop smiling and the husband couldn't keep his eyes off of his lovely wife. They were the most precious of families, all of them were so welcoming and generous to us complete strangers. After we were finished with the chores they had allowed us to do they climbed the coconut tree and chopped down each one of us girls a fresh and delicious coconut. We sat around and talked with them while we munched on our coconuts just listening to their stories and hearts, which were amazing and beautiful. What we did was simple, but it was love. However, I'm pretty sure this family showed us just as much love as we did them, they just displayed God's love, beauty, grace, and faithfulness and it truly was a blessing just to serve them.

There are so many more stories, both funny and powerful, that I could share with you, and probably will at some point, but I just wanted to give you a glimpse into what God has been doing and continues to do among His people. He is drawing His children back to Himself and forever revealing His love to the hurt and broken. I serve a big and mighty God and I'm so excited to be on this journey of life walking by His side. May His Kingdom come and His will be done! Gloria a Dios!

~Josie K.

Introverted Love

Sorry for the absence from my blog and the lack of updates. It's been super crazy and busy up here but I've been having a ball. So, for starters, this past week we had an awesome lady from the Lakeside, MT ywam base come down and speak for the week. She talked on relationships and it blew my mind, half the time i was just sitting there thinking 'oh dear heavens' just because she was so right on and full of wisdom. I really love how God is bringing just the right speaker and topic at just the time i need to hear it. The passion with which the Word is being brought and the zeal with which the truth is coming at me is melting my face off and it's awesome!

Anyway, so she, Kristy Wilkie, talked on everything under the sun when it comes to relationships and was so blunt and real with all of us, it was so refreshing. her black and white teaching method was exactly what I needed and God must have known that because this week rocked my world and the way I think about or treat relationships. At the end of every lecture week we have a time of reflection and this week for reflection we wrote a letter to God telling him what he can expect from us when it comes to relationships. So I basically promised God John 13:35 which says that the world will know you love and follow God if you love others. Surprising as it may be it's really hard for me to step out of myself and my fear of being rejected and love freely. But I want people to know God and know that he loves them and I've been given this exact love so all the more reason to step out of my bubble and love without fear.

One way that i have been stretched to practice this is on Friday nights when we go down to downtown Denver for what we call Kingdom Night. We seek God's face on what his heart is for Denver that night in particular and then go out and minister to the people in whatever way God leads. It was a challenge at first to go out and talk with people and just pray with them and it has gotten slightly easier but the fear of my introverted self is still around. But Kristy Wilkie this week said something that blew my socks off; she said that we have to be people of influence and we can't do that successfully if we stay shy. Basically, we have to lay down our right to being introverted because otherwise we'll never reach people the way God desires us to. True fact.

I'm really excited about what God is doing and where he is leading me. he is stirring up the fire that's burning inside of me and giving me opportunities to apply all he is teaching me. Like, no joke, it's been insane how many doors he's opened allowing me to experience and apply what he's teaching me. GOD IS SO GOOD.

On another note....my "h"' key no longer works. I have ctrl-v'd my way through this entire post and this entire sentence. It is slightly frustrating but it's slowly becoming habit....lol. I ordered a new keyboard today which i KNOW is going to make my typing much easier and my brain much less stressed out. I am allowed to be slightly dramatic about this...yea.

I'm currently sitting next to a toasty fire in the dining hall with awesome people all around. I love the people here, God has set me among such an awesome community of people, I am so extremely blessed. God is good all the time. . . .

~Josie

Update Mate

Today is Wednesday, but you could have told me otherwise and I would have believed you. My days have been thrown so off kilter that it's slightly unnerving. Schedules are generally my friend and routine in small doses is also nice, which is slowly making it's way back into my life. Hi, i'm slightly ocd about those kinds of things.

Anyway, so this past week or so has been a crazy whirlwind of fun, new people, new places, adventures, revelations, and insights. Last week we talked about Kingdom Culture and what that involved and how to apply it to our daily lives. The five basic parts of Kingdom Culture are intimacy, honor, gratitude, life in the Spirit, and family, which can all be broken down and expounded upon. For instance, my small group took the five and wrote down our own thoughts concerning a particular aspect and then what we could recall from what we got in lecture time. I got the word intimacy and broke it down basically to 'knowing love from another without the fear of judgement' and then related it back to Song of Songs 4:7 which talks of how God sees us without flaw or blemish. Which really is a beautiful picture. I love that book of the bible anyway.

This week, starting yesterday, was the official start of lecture week. We have a local pastor, Black Mattocks, coming up the mountain all week to talk about the nature and character of God and so far it has been insanely awesome! He's laying down the building blocks and introducing us to his character in a really cool way. He's very engaging and excited about what God has done and shown him in his life and about teaching it to us. I'm excited too, to be honest. Yesterday he was talking about how there are no posers in the Kingdom of God. We're not allowed to have walls or fake identities because we've declared that we have surrendered that to God if we also declare that we are His children. It reminded me of that scripture, I think it's in John, where it talks about how nothing is hidden from God, but everything is uncovered and laid bare before Him, which is exactly how we're supposed to be living before God and before the body of Christ and the world. He's called us to be His ambassadors and we can't do that if we're pretending we're someone or something that we're not. He sees through our disguises so might as well take them off and surrender them willingly to begin with. Can I get an "Amen"??! :D

Anyway, I will write of more exciting God things soon, but right now I am wiped out. This upcoming week, Monday through Wednesday, our whole DTS group plus the other four ywam bases in CO, which adds up to somewhere around 400 people will be in Colorado Springs. We're going to this conference called Acts 1 and it's supposed to be awesome. I'm expecting amazing things to come out of this next week...and these next five months. I'm stoked, guys...to the core. I miss you all back home and hope to keep you more updated. Love!

~Josie

Cheers!

I leave bright and early tomorrow morning. . . as in by 5am. The sun won't even be awake by then, which is a miracle. You should right this down in your diary of many secrets and wonders so that one day you may tell your kids and grandkids that Josie K. was up and awake with coffee in hand before the sun ever showed his face. ;) So, I'm driving out with my friend Anna and we're taking four days to drive out to the beautiful Colorado. I am so excited about this road trip! The second night we're staying in this cool place in New Mexico, which I can't say here because I'm keeping it as a surprise for Anna. muhaha. But it looks fabulous and makes me happy.

Our itinerary, if you care to know, is as follows:

Thursday -- leave Starkville, MS around 5am and drive West. Most likely reach Little Rock, AR by lunch and Apache, OK by 6pm. Apache, OK is our destination for the first day, we're staying at a ywam base's hospitality suit for the night.

Friday -- leave Apache by 8am and continue driving West. By this point we will have traveled through MS, AR, OK, and be heading into TX. We're planning to stop at every State sign and take a picture. It's going to be awesome. Ok, continue driving and eventually reach NM where we will spend the night in unsaid location.

Saturday -- leave by 8 or 9am and head North where we will travel through Starkville, CO....completely awesome. Pictures will be taken. Take slight detour to the Great Sand Dunes, which are reported to be really cool. Drive to Colorado Springs and bunk for the night.

Sunday -- Tour around Colorado Springs and just chill and hang out for the day. Hopefully go see the Garden of the Gods which are also reported to be really pretty. Sunday is up for change and fun.

Monday -- drive to Denver and send Anna back home on le airplane to MS. Most likely cry some more. Drive by myself to Arvada, CO where I will know no one and be spending the next 5 months of my life. Eeegads.

I'm freaking out just a little bit, but i'm mostly just getting ridiculously emotional. I was watching what not to wear and started tearing up. I mean...c'mon! These next two weeks are going to be long, weird, exciting, good, scary, and thrilling I do believe. I know I'm going to miss my family and friends immensely. But I also know God is loving and I know that He is good and I know that He has called me to this place at this time and that He will never leave me. And for all of those truths, I am extremely grateful.

So, here's to life more abundant and love without end. . . .to God and God alone be the glory! Psalm 115:1

~Josie

I'm A Big Girl Now

Monday:

drove to H-burg with Gracie

-schools are dumb sometimes

-met her awesome friend.... who i swear is the black version of me

-lovely talks on the drive

supper with the fam

movie watching with J.L.

-Cary Grant is still slick at sixty

Tuesday:

slept late

-yayayay!

did some more packing

-which seems useless because i just end up wanting to wear what i've just packed

-also, dad put a t-rex in my suitcase. lol

eye doctor visit

-i'm far-sighted

-but just barely, so no worries.

stopped by my previous home which we will now call "G.C.'s place"

-chocolate cake...!

Wednesday:

rise and shine before 7am

drove to campus to get shots

-let it be known that the MSU campus is one of like 4 clinics in the whole state that carry the typhoid vaccine.

-which is weird

-got three vaccines and 90 malaria pills

went to my favorite spot in town, city bagel, to get coffee and brunch

-eating alone is fabulous sometimes

-wrote ty notes and read books

supper with the parents

prayer night at P&D's

-last one for many moons

late night grocery shopping

also late night cooking

Thursday:

packed picnic lunch

picked up Gracie's birthday present

-it was ready just in time

-also, my bargaining skills are insane

took Gracie to the refuge

-we picnicked, we trail walked, we deer and bird watched

-we also drove

-and we got lost....ending up in a town 35 minutes from original location

-positive side of getting lost = poppy seed bread from the local bakery

-WIN

library visits and chats

-they are generally fun and often amusing

Life class at P&D's

-also the last one for many moons

-*tear

Friday:

helped a friend pack up her house with mother dearest

-nice chats

spectacle shopping

-i got glasses, i got glasses, i got glasses hey hey hey hey!

-they're purple....again. don't judge me

grocery shopped with mother dearest

-felt like i was 12yro again on a saturday

cleaned house for farewell dinner tomorrow evening

-i have 6 days left

I think i'm so lost and confused as to what emotion i should be feeling that i have depleted my emotion department of reasoning skills. If that sentence made a lick of sense to you i will give you a star. God has been doing so much in me in the past three months, and even more so in the past three weeks because I know HE's preparing me for something and that it'll be grand, it's just the molding and waiting period that is so difficult. These past few weeks have been bitter-sweet as I am beginning to realize how much I love and will miss everyone. It's usually, and most recently, been the other way around where people depart from me, which is making this "move" weird and slightly hard since I'm doing the leaving. Is it this hard for extroverts?

Anyway, the weather here has been MARVELOUS the past day or so. It feels crisp and cheery, just like September should feel. Also, did you know a crisp in Scotland is a potato chip? Because chips in Scotland are actually french fries. Random fact of the day! I'm hungry now with all this talk of food. . . .eckhmm. Yea. The anemic child has got to eat!

~J.K.

Does Curiosity Only Kill The Cat?

I'm having "i feel lonely" symptoms. I don't know where they arose from but alas they are readily present. Maybe it's the time of the year that does this to me? But i think it may be just reality setting in. 2 months. No regrets. Just anxious?

I went to a lovely wedding over the weekend. It was fairytale-esque. I have always loved going to weddings. I love seeing the couple meet eyes, hearing their vows, and seeing the beautiful dresses and bouquets. But this time it wasn't as magical. This time it made me sad more than anything. The "what if" questions of every kind flooded my head and resulted in me laying awake in bed that night unable to sleep. Will i be that old lady with frizzy hair, a turtle named Charles and the author of 7,000 books? Will i ever find that one guy who i dare give my heart to? Will i be satisfied if i don't? Perhaps the answer can only be found in the waiting.
...However long that may be.

~ME