Like A Drum. . .

There is an aching in my belly and a stirring in my soul to write of the wonderful chaos that seems to be swirling inside of me, yet I can find no words. They seem to have been all but used up by the poets and writers who've come before me and who've put what I am feeling into words more beautifully scripted than I could ever dare compose. Yet I need to express it, somehow, someway, in some exquisite form or another, so as to convey to the small world around me the joys and fears that build with each passing day.
I am discovering what makes me come alive and that I am loved and lovely just as I am and have to change for no one. I am capable of much and yet still in need of much grace and wisdom as I travel along in life with the people who are here to travel with me. My dreams and desires are so much bigger than I can even handle on some days, I often think that they are tremendously silly and impossible, questioning if they will be fulfilled or if I will have someone beside me to fulfill them with. This journey is never certain, the people you travel with are never guaranteed to stick around the entire length of the trek, but you travel and press on just the same. You meet new strangers who soon become friends, and maybe something more, you invest your time, risk being vulnerable, and challenge yourself and them to dream bigger and live to a higher standard and calling with beautiful expectations and hopes on the horizon because to hell with it if we're not. There are always new books to read, places to see, people to meet and learn to love, oceans to swim, and dreams to be chased - - the journey doesn't ever end until we're dead. So I am trying to make the most of it, trying not to miss out on the beauty and the mystery of life, yet all the while being extremely terrified and nervous of the next bend in the road. How will it make my heart beat? Will I be able to handle the fierce drumming of stumbling upon something or someone lovely? or even the plummeting sensation of discovering something beautifully painful or terrifyingly risky? I still don't know and may never know. But I have to travel, I have to explore, I must take risks, be daring and bold, courageous and free, otherwise I will suffocate in my need to see and experience all the beauty there is to behold. . . in love.

The Things That Are Exciting

Finals are upon us. In all the fullness of finals. The stress and dumbness and lack of sleep has hit an unnerving high. Literally. The fact that my eye has been in constant twitch mode for a week now cannot be a good sign. No, it just can't. I went over to Gracie's house last night. I walked in the door and she looked at me and immediately offered me coffee. Yea, it's that bad. I'm afraid i might start the zombie apocalypse here soon. So basically if i can make it through to Wed at 5pm central time, alive mind you, I will be ok.
I hope.
So, in other news................................i want to keep it a secret but really, most everyone who reads this blog already knows, so what the heck! I am quitting my job on Friday the 13th of May (ironic, huh?). This seems dumb but i promise i have an explanation. I do. So, this summer = a LOT of changes. People are moving away and basically it sucks. I'm possibly going to be a counselor at COC (yayay) and get to go to the beach with G.C. which leaves me no time to really work. I'd have to take off like every weekend which isn't allowed. PLUS, i'd like to be able to see and hang out with my friends before they leave and before i leave.
Wait what!? Did i just say "i leave"...? Yea. Don't make me repeat myself, kid.
Here's the deal-eo: YWAM. I probably mentioned something about this last year, maybe not, but it's been on my heart for awhile. YWAM stands for Youth With A Mission and is focused on discipling others and then training them to go out and do the same. The lecture phase is 3 months, which is short, but for me it'll be like 12,000 years because i have been prone to get homesick in the past. Maybe that's because i was dying in the Atlanta airport though? Yea...
Let's just say i am ridiculously excited! I still don't yet know where i will be located but i'm waiting. HE is in control and HE loves me, which is comforting beyond measure. I love seeing HIS hand working in my life and HIS timing...oh my gosh HIS timing is always the best. HE is good. I am blessed.
Expecting.

~me

The Fail Boat Is Docking

At this current moment in time i just wish that school had a face, or a stomach, just something that i could punch or stare at harshly. Instead i will write. Getting into nursing school really shouldn't be this hard. Perhaps i wasn't cut out for this. Maybe i'm not nurse material. Should i look elsewhere? Should i venture out onto something new and different? Or do i stick it out until i see a letter that says "congratulations, you've been accepted!" rather than another "regretfully. . ."

I feel like it's too early in the game to say that i'm worn out, but then again i should be graduating in two months and i'm not. Everyone around me has a plan or goal with a route in mind or in sight. I don't want to wallow or get all self-centered and pitiful, i just want some understanding. I know i'm not the only one who has gone through something like this or has felt this bummed but geez louise it sure does feel that way. Absolutely rotten.

Everyone says go to school, finish your degree plan, graduate, you'll be happy you did, it'll help you in the long run, etc. What if i don't want to. I am so sick of school. I've considered dropping out, doing long-term missions, but then what about this "economic crisis" we're in? How do you argue that? Do you? What if my heart is just not in it anymore? What if HE tells me to keep on at it until i DO see that "congrats" letter? Should i run until i get so tired that i can't even crawl?

I've got to figure out the right question. And then. . . .and then i'll let you know...

~Me

Does Curiosity Only Kill The Cat?

I'm having "i feel lonely" symptoms. I don't know where they arose from but alas they are readily present. Maybe it's the time of the year that does this to me? But i think it may be just reality setting in. 2 months. No regrets. Just anxious?

I went to a lovely wedding over the weekend. It was fairytale-esque. I have always loved going to weddings. I love seeing the couple meet eyes, hearing their vows, and seeing the beautiful dresses and bouquets. But this time it wasn't as magical. This time it made me sad more than anything. The "what if" questions of every kind flooded my head and resulted in me laying awake in bed that night unable to sleep. Will i be that old lady with frizzy hair, a turtle named Charles and the author of 7,000 books? Will i ever find that one guy who i dare give my heart to? Will i be satisfied if i don't? Perhaps the answer can only be found in the waiting.
...However long that may be.

~ME